The Best Resources for Staying Social After Separation

Divorce inherently causes a shake up in your family life and your relationship with your former partner, but it can create waves in your social life as well.

A recently growing area of study and social reflection includes the loss of friendship and social isolation that can occur after divorce or separation. Here at Fayr, we're committed to supporting you through your separation, your new life as a co-parenting, and to helping you be your best, happiest self for your kids. As such, we've gathered up some of our favorite resources to help you strengthen and grow your social connections wherever you are in the co-parenting life cycle. 

Here are our favorite methods, tips, + tools for strengthening your social connections after divorce:

1) In Person

• Connect with existing friends: Yes, it is likely that a separation will strain or cause distance in certain relationships, like those originating with your former partner and those that were created in your time as a couple. But don't let that stop you from reaching out to your best buddies. Researchers have found that after divorce a person's network of friends overall increases. Divorced and separated folks often find “more closeness and intensity” within their individual group of friends. 
• Meetups: Especially early on in divorce, it can be really helpful to meet people who are going through your same experience. Meetups are a fabulous for making in-person connections and creating community with people in your same stage and location. Of particular interest might be: Co-Parenting, Divorce Support, and Divorced Parents groups. 
• Hobbies: Want time to not talk about your separation? Connect with people in your area by joining a local gym or yoga studio, taking language lessons or cooking classes, or volunteering at an organization you love. You can do many of these activities with your kids OR you can use them to fill/embrace your non-custodial nights.

2. Online

Sometimes the people we have the most in common with don't live close to us—or even in our same state or country. This is precisely where the internet comes in handy. Social networks and websites can not only provide robust sources of content and knowledge, they can also help us give and receive support, encouragement, and connection. 

Facebook groups:

• Co-Parents (@coparentsrus)
• Co-Parenting Clan (@coparentingclan)
• Fayr (@befayr)

Websites:

• Divorced Guy Grinning 
• This Life in Progress 
• Divorced Girl Smiling
• Since My Divorce
• Cafe Mom
• The Good Men Project
• Working Mother

Instagram:

• Making Malissa
• Our Splendid Life
• Merissa V. Grayson
• Bean Stalk Single Moms

3. At the Library

The list below is for the introverts, for the times before bed, for the downtimes after work when you’d rather curl up with wine and connect via story. These books are a selection of memoirs, advice books, and spiritual tools for processing your transition and stepping fully into your new, beautiful life. 

• Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert
• How to Sleep Alone in a King Sized Bed: A Memoir of Starting Over by Theo Pauline Nestor
• When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron
• Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After by Katherine Woodward Thomas
• Aftermath: On Marriage and Separation by Rachel Cusk
• Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar by Cheryl Strayed

What did we miss? Please share your favorite books, websites, and networks with us on our Facebook page!

What Your Divorcing Friends Actually Want You To Do

"I'm here for you. Let me know if there is anything I can do."

As a friend, it can be devastating to see someone dear to us go through the challenges and upheaval of separation -- particularly when kids are involved.  We want nothing more that to help that person out, to make life just a tiny bit easier for them.  

And so we offer up the generous and honest question: "Is there anything I can do?"

While we mean that we would be willing to do anything to help, by making such a generalized offer, we're placing the burden back on the person who is needing our help.  We're leaving it up to them to think of something and then to ask for help -- both of which are difficult to do while they're grieving the break-up of their family.

Don't offer up anything; do something.

If you have a friend who is separating or going through a divorce, rather than offering up that general "let me know how I can help!" just jump in and do something.  Not sure what exactly to do?  No worries, we've got you covered below.

3 Things You Can Do For Your Separated Friends, Today and Everyday: 

1. Keep Communicating.  

One of the biggest challenges of divorce is the breakdown of your extended support network. According to Psychology Today researcher Sam Marguilles, PhD, "Divorcing people often feel isolated because some friends are so uncomfortable that they distance themselves. Divorcing people need reassurance you will not abandon them."

Know this: you don't have to be perfect, you don't have to know exactly what to say.  Your friend does not need you to "make it all better," nor do they need advice or opinions.  What they need is someone who they can rely on, who will ask thoughtful, non-judgmental questions and listen actively to the answers, whatever they are.  Take your friend's lead -- if they don't want to talk about the divorce today, then let it go.  But that doesn't mean they won't want to talk about a different topic or to talk about the separation next week or next month.  Feeling stumped on how to start?  Try out Sheryl Sandberg's suggestion and ask the open-ended question "How are you today?"  

2. Help Out.  

One of the biggest challenges for all separated parents, regardless of how long they've been co-parenting for, is the fact that they don't have another person to split up parenting duties with on their custody days.  Your job as a friend is not to take the place of their partner, but there are a number of small things you can do to help your friend out with the day-to-day logistics of parenting solo.  

If your kids go to the same school, you can offer to pick your friend's kids on the days they have to work late.  You could invite the kids to sleep over when your friend has a big work deadline or needs to travel.  You could show up with boxes and newspapers when your friend is packing for a move.  You could bring over meals when your friend or their kids are sick.  It doesn't need to be a grand gesture, in fact, sometimes it's the simple things that mean the most.

3. Show Up.

Sometimes the very best thing you can do for your friend is to simply show up.  It doesn't always have to be about talking or doing, sometimes the comfort and ease of someone else's reliable presence is more than enough.  There will be a number of markers and milestones for your friend and their kids that call attention to the differences between their past and current lives.  Some of those milestones are to be celebrated, some to be grieved, some to just hold your breath until they're over.  

Throughout all of these moments -- the first birthday after separation; Father's Day, Mother's Day or weekend without the kids; the first parent-teacher conference attended solo, and so on -- just continue to show up.  Let your friend know that regardless of all the changes in their life, your friendship is stable and your presence can be relied on.