I Am Not the Problem in a Co-parenting Relationship, We Are.

Guest blogger, John McElhenney, and his daughter

Look into the eyes of your children.
Embrace that feeling and let your ex
and their anger be dissolved in that love.

There are bumps along the road to single-parenting and our hopeful arrival at co-parenting cooperation. And what ripped our marriage apart is probably still the dysfunction that we deal with as separate parents, doing our best. Remember this:

The other parent is doing the very best they can.

It’s hard to swallow sometimes. When the discussions get difficult, it’s easier to blame the other person for the issue. But if it’s an issue it’s a joint issue.

The hard fact is this: We are no longer married, but we are in a relationship forever. The things we used to fight over as a couple are still issues between us. And just because the loving relationship is gone, the love and anger at loss-of-love is not gone. So, this morning when I got another “you done me wrong” email from the mother of my children I chose a different path. I chose to remain positive and ignore the angry words. I was not going to rise to the fight.

I offered information. I answered the questions that I could. I suggested an in-person chat, which she has rejected over the last six months of “parental” negotiations, and then I stopped. I stopped short of contradicting her accusations. I stopped myself from responding in-kind with my grievances. And I tried to imagine the woman that I fell in love with, as a friend, struggling with some parenting and financial issues.

You can love your kids by always choosing to do the positive thing.

We are triggered by our ex-mates. We could not have married them and had children with them if the connection was not elemental and deep. That connection is still there. A few of the rules have changed, but if we can return to the memory of that love that existed, and see how it is transformed into the love of our children, and “for” our children, we can do a better job at responding with compassion and empathy.

Kurt Vonnegut’s book Slapstick had a memorable line that framed a good portion of my young adult life, after I acquired it. It is my mantra when dealing with family matters.

“A little less love, and a little more common decency please.”

I am sad sometimes that I no longer have a partner and cheerleader in navigating these difficult times. But that role/relationship ended several years before the marriage did. And now I have two fabulous kids and their mom.

I don’t have to take on her issues, I don’t have to make her priorities my priorities, and occasionally I have to get mad and stand up for the NO that needs to be said. But I don’t ever have to say it in anger or personal frustration. That shit is mine. And I will do well to deal with it here. Outside of the relationship with my ex-wife.

Finally, in my self-recovery process, I learned about how important it was to get the anger out. To write the anger letter. (This is a great gestalt for most relationship problems.) WRITE IT, BUT DON’T SEND IT.

Own your anger. Process it with someone else. You’re ex-lover, ex-partner, and the other half of your co-parenting relationship does not deserve it, and will not be served by your venting. Do vent. Find a healthy release for YOUR stuff. And then return to the love of your kids, and the memory of the love you once had for their other parent.

It is no longer about us. Look into the eyes of your children. Embrace that feeling and let your ex and their anger be dissolved in that love. You may not love your ex anymore, but you can love your kids by always choosing to do the positive thing.

John McElhenney is a single dad who lives and writes in Austin, Texas. He has published several books of poetry and a whimsical look at social media, The Twitter Way. He makes his living writing social media strategies for small businesses, and makes his heart smile playing tennis and music.

Visit: https://wholeparentbook.com/positive-divorce/

5 Signs You’re Doing Co-Parenting Right by Kathy Johnson

When a relationship with your spouse or partner goes south, you have to remember that they will still be a part of our life. This is especially true if you happen to have a child together.

 Even if things didn't work out between the two of you, you still share the beautiful blessing of raising a child together. This is what co-parenting is all about, as it is a wonderful way for both of you to be involved in your child's development.

A lot of research over the years has looked into the importance of supporting children through their parents' divorce, and whether or not it is possible to take care of the child’s wellbeing during this tough situation. A post on psychology by Maryville University highlights an undeniable link between mental health and academic success, which means that co-parents must collaborate to create a healthy environment for their kids to grow up in. In turn, it will not only give the children the opportunity to succeed in life, but they will also feel assured when it comes to their parents' love. That said, here are five signs to help you check if you're co-parenting properly:

 1. You Put Your Child’s Needs First

 Let this be the guiding principle in your new role as a co-parent. Despite not being romantic partners anymore, you and your fellow co-parent are now teammates in raising your child, whose best interest should be the basis of all your decisions. To determine if your team has a strong foundation, ask yourselves these questions:

• Are we putting the well-being of our child first?

• Are we setting a good example for our child?

• Are we making our child feel safe and secure?

2. You Speak to Your Co-Parent with Respect

 From dropping off your child at your co-parent's house to attending school programs and ceremonies, you’re bound to have a conversation with your co-parent. Good co-parents understand that the way they speak to each other will directly affect their child. Researchers from the University of Vermont found that arguing in front of your child can actually alter their brain's development and cause them to process emotions negatively. To keep this from happening, remember that a divorce or a break-up isn't a declaration of war. Co-parents who seek an effective partnership post-separation must instill the values of humility, kindness, and respect in the way they communicate with each other.

 3. You Don’t Criticize Your Co-Parent in Front of Your Child

 Healthy communication doesn't only matter when you’re in the presence of your co-parent, it should also be practiced when you're home alone with your child. Certified co-parenting coach Anna Giannone writes in The Huffington Post that children take it to heart when you speak negatively about their other parent. Never underestimate the role that dialogue plays in co-parenting, as principled co-parents should always pay attention to both the words and manner used in talking about each other. Above all, both need to be selfless; neither of you should cause your child to think they have to choose sides.

 4. You Have to Master the Art of Compromise

 In our post on ‘7 Ways to Help Your Kids Have the Best Summer Yet’, co-parenting entails that both parties are on the same page when it comes to scheduling, no matter the season. Although this is easier said than done as being in constant communication with your ex can come with some challenges, responsible co-parents will understand how to compromise because they prioritize their child's feelings. Moreover, they also know how to follow the schedule agreed upon, so that their child can have quality time with each parent.

 5. You Have a Happy and Healthy Child

 Parents usually set the path for their children, which is why seeing your child thrive in life is the most important telltale sign that you’re doing co-parenting right. Not showing your child love will ultimately cause aggressive and antisocial traits, which means that co-parents must put their pride aside and love their child wholeheartedly. Regardless of the circumstances, you and your fellow co-parent still comprise a family, and ultimately, the choices you make together will be reflected in your child's well-being.

5 Signs You’re Doing Co-Parenting Right Post, solely for the use of fayr.com written by Kathy Johnson