A Peak Behind the Curtain at Fayr HQ

The one thing Fayr has in common with Olive Garden? When you're here, you're family!  

And since you're family, we wanted to let you know about all of the exciting, behind the scenes happenings at Fayr. It's been a big month, so we will jump right in:

1. We've gotten some really exciting love from the media.

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This past month Fayr was:

Whew, what a month!

2. We have the brilliant, incredibly talented, wise, and gracious Gwyneth Paltrow on our team!

In case you've been under a rock, Gwyneth Paltrow is our Senior Advisor! She and Michael hit it off while filming Planet of the Apps for Apple Music and she continues to mentor Michael in the ways of fair divorce and smart tech. We love you, G!

3. We've gotten some killer reviews from our app users (thank you!).

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In addition to the super kind words from from Ed A. (above)–we've been receiving powerful feedback from our app subscribers on Facebook:

"Much needed features for co-parents in an elegant, easy to use app. I can only imagine how much time, money and stress this will save separated parents!" -Carly F. 

"Fayr has keyed into just the right features for co-parenting! This app is a breath of fresh air." -Jesse B. 

"What a great concept! Making coparenting a lot more "fayr" and clearing up any miscommunication along the way! Keep it up!" - Nick S. 

"Fayr is a great app loaded with features that are simple to use. It helps parents manage difficult situations while saving money in court costs, money that can be better spent on a better future." - Joel C.

4. We have a 14 day Free Trial period for all new app users!

We decided to give new Fayr app users a little "peak under the hood" with a two week free trial period. Two of our main tenets at Fayr are to be as useful as possible and as generous as possible.

We know it can be hard to commit to something before trying it on so we're offering up this free period so that as many co-parents as possible can benefit from Fayr's features.

5. We're still hard at work and we want to hear from you!

Our entire company is devoted to finding ways to make Fayr as useful and enjoyable to our community of amazing co-parents.

Our tech team is hard at work updating the app, fixing bugs, and expanding functionality. Lindsey, our CTO, says, "We continue to improve our user experience to make Fayr easier and more helpful than ever. We read and reply to every email, so keep the feedback coming! We're always here at support@fayr.com."

We mean it!

I Created Fayr for You (and Me)

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Early in our divorce, my ex-wife and I were trying to set up a 50/50 schedule for the kids as we worked out a long-term custody arrangement.  

To say that we were both in a really emotional place would be a tremendous understatement. I knew that it would be far better for our kids to be raised in two stable, loving homes rather than in a single conflict filled one. And yet get used to this new way of living was hard on everyone, much harder than I'd anticipated. 

It's plenty hard to negotiate and navigate parenting duties when you are in a relationship with someone; it was brutal to end a romantic relationship and then instantly need to deal with logistics, communication, and compromise. 

It was in the middle of this tumultuous transitional period that our signals got crossed.

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On one of our custody change days, our signals got very crossed. I showed up during what I thought was the designated window to drop off the kids and their mom wasn't there. She, of course, was expecting them at a totally different time.  

This was more than an inconvenience or cause for a fight. When you're still legally sorting out custody, errors like this can have long-term repercussions regarding the time you get to spend with your kids in the future. Luckily, I had a very savvy attorney who was able to match my toll receipts and email conversations to prove that I had attempted to drop the kids on time. (That, of course, cost me thousands of dollars in lawyers fees and bottomless anxiety for weeks.)

In the middle of this chaos, I just kept wondering, "Why can't this be easier?"

Emotionally, divorce or separation takes a long time to process. I still work all of the time, 7 years later, to make certain that my kids feel loved, stable, and secure. But there are so many opportunities for the smaller things to be made easier: scheduling, communication, finances. 

That situation I just shared with you was one of a dozen mishaps that might have been totally prevented by an app like Fayr. So I built Fayr for you, so that you might not have to go through those extra moments of conflict or strife. I also happen to use it Fayr's messaging and geo-tagging capabilities daily: win-win-win!

Gwyneth Paltrow, Apple Music, & Fayr's Big Night

It's been a whirlwind few days here at Fayr!

Michael, our fearless founder and CEO, was featured on an episode of Apple Music's new show, Planet of the Apps. The brief summary: it was the opportunity of a lifetime!

You can watch the full episode here or read our recap below (warning: spoilers!).

The Premise

Planet of the Apps gives app creators the chance to be mentored by four celebrity with knowledge of creating influential, highly successful businesses and brands: Jessica Alba, Will.I.Am, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Gary Vaynerchuk.

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The Pitch

App creators have only 60 seconds to pitch their app while riding down an escalator to get at least one of the advisors interested. If an advisor is potentially interested, the app creator then has a chance to demo the app and answer additional questions.

The Match

Michael blew all the mentors away, with all four wanted to mentor him (see their names in green above)!

The advisors then had their turn to pitch Michael on why they would be best able to help him out and guide the business. He ended up selecting....

The Mentor

....Gwyneth Paltrow

As the massively successful founder of Goop, an Academy Award Winning actress, and the separated mother of two kids who has created a deeply positive relationship with her co-parent, it was Michael's dream to work with Gwyneth and utilize her experience to make Fayr stronger.

With Gwyneth's guidance over 6 intensive weeks, Fayr pivoted from an app to strictly reduce legal fees and provide court admissible information to a lifestyle brand focused on helping make life as easy, amicable and positive as possible for co-parents.

Pitching a VC

Gwyneth introduced Michael and Fayr, and stood by his side as he pitched the venture capital fund, Lightspeed Venture Partners.

While Lightspeed did not invest in Fayr on that day, the episode fades out as Gwyneth promises Michael: "I'm still going to be your partner and I'm still going to help you in any way I can."  

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Fayr's Favorite Partner

True to her word, Gwyneth remains on the team as Fayr's senior advisor and north star. She and Michael recently celebrated the launch of Planet of the Apps at the SoHo house in NYC.

Want to watch the full episode?

Check it out on Apple Music.

 

Be the Best Co-Parent You Can Be (Even if Your Ex Doesn't Deserve It)

Co-parenting is not for the weak of heart.

After choosing to end a romantic relationship, it can be painful to spend years continually navigating the tender and fraught landscape of parenting with your ex. As our Advisor, Gwyneth Paltrow says of co-parenting, "You have to constantly let go. You have to let go of old ideas, old resentments."

After separation the goal is to create the best, most stable, most loving life for your kids. One of the crucial ways you can do this is by creating a solid foundation with your co-parent. Gwyneth's trick? "If you once loved the person enough to have kids with them, you have to focus on what you still love about them and what's beautiful about them and all the good aspects of your relationship."  

If you're currently finding it hard to locate those things you love about your ex fear not. We have three simple steps below, as sort of "fake it 'til you make it" guide to being the best co-parent you can be (even if your ex doesn't deserve it). Because it's not for your ex. It's for your kids.

1. Give them the benefit of the doubt.

Or as Leo Babuata of ZenHabits says, "take the good-hearted view." This is when we assume that people who have done something to bother us are not incompetent jerks, but are in fact good people with decent intentions who made a mistake or are having trouble of some kind. One of the most positive things we can do in a relationship with a co-parent is to take a good-hearted view of them. From this place it can be easier to assume that errors made, pickups forgotten. permission slips left unsigned are not a signal of maliciousness, but rather the normal experience of a good person trying to do their best and occasionally making mistakes. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt diffuses the situation, leaving you more content and modeling for your kids an accepting and generous relationship.

2. Speak well of your co-parent.

Kids are very astute about verbal and non-verbal communication cues. Children as young as two or three can tell when parents are in conflict. It's not just speaking poorly of a co-parent that kids pick up on. Some co-parents attempt to solve this with the age old adage "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." Yet from this silence, kids learn that speaking of their other parent is taboo and partition off their lives with each co-parent. This leads to parts of your children's lives that they don't share with you and positively reinforces them withholding information, which can be harmful as kids get older.

If instead you say kind things about your co-parent, even tiny, off-handed remarks, kids will realize that your home is safe for them to discuss their full lives. Something simple like, "Oh, your dad loves this show!" or "Your mom has always had such a great sense of humor" serves to validate the kids themselves, who see parts of their own personalities and selves inside of each parent. It will give them a sense of peace that even thought their parents are not together, they do in fact still respect one another.

3. Take on more than your share when you can.

Over the course of our children's lives, there will be times when one parent has more bandwidth to dedicate to parenting. This will naturally ebb and flow with each parent's career, health and personal life. When you're in a couple, this is often decided or mapped out intentionally: the staggering of professional and personal obligations so that there is always one parent available to the kids.

This is a far more complicated balance to strike as a co-parent; you're no longer in a romantic relationship nor are you strategizing for parenting under one roof, so there's no promise of a tradeoff when each parent has independent responsibilities. And yet, if you find yourself in the place, for whatever reason, that you have more time and energy to dedicate to your kids: do. Even though your co-parent may not be able to (or not be interested in) paying it forward, your kids will benefit immensely even from brief periods of undivided attention from you.

The Best Resources for Staying Social After Separation

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Divorce inherently causes a shake up in your family life and your relationship with your former partner, but it can create waves in your social life as well.

A recently growing area of study and social reflection includes the loss of friendship and social isolation that can occur after divorce or separation. Here at Fayr, we're committed to supporting you through your separation, your new life as a co-parenting, and to helping you be your best, happiest self for your kids. As such, we've gathered up some of our favorite resources to help you strengthen and grow your social connections wherever you are in the co-parenting life cycle. 

Here are our favorite methods, tips, + tools for strengthening your social connections after divorce:

1) In Person

  • Connect with existing friends: Yes, it is likely that a separation will strain or cause distance in certain relationships, like those originating with your former partner and those that were created in your time as a couple. But don't let that stop you from reaching out to your best buddies. Researchers have found that after divorce a person's network of friends overall increases. Divorced and separated folks often find “more closeness and intensity” within their individual group of friends. 
  • Meetups: Especially early on in divorce, it can be really helpful to meet people who are going through your same experience. Meetups are a fabulous for making in-person connections and creating community with people in your same stage and location. Of particular interest might be: Co-ParentingDivorce Support, and Divorced Parents groups. 
  • Hobbies: Want time to not talk about your separation? Connect with people in your area by joining a local gym or yoga studio, taking language lessons or cooking classes, or volunteering at an organization you love. You can do many of these activities with your kids OR you can use them to fill/embrace your non-custodial nights.

2. Online

Sometimes the people we have the most in common with don't live close to us—or even in our same state or country. This is precisely where the internet comes in handy. Social networks and websites can not only provide robust sources of content and knowledge, they can also help us give and receive support, encouragement, and connection. 

Facebook groups:

Websites:

Instagram:

3. At the Library

The list below is for the introverts, for the times before bed, for the downtimes after work when you’d rather curl up with wine and connect via story. These books are a selection of memoirs, advice books, and spiritual tools for processing your transition and stepping fully into your new, beautiful life. 

What did we miss? Please share your favorite books, websites, and networks with us on our Facebook page!

On Fatherhood and Father's Day After Divorce: A Conversation With Michael Daniels

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Today we have a special treat, a conversation with our founder Michael Daniels on his favorite topic in the world: fatherhood.  

Michael founded Fayr in 2016 with two very personal goals in mind: to help separated parents be the best people they can be for their kids and to make the process of co-parenting easier and more enjoyable for the whole family.  

Below Michael shares the advice he wished someone had given him when he first separated, the most challenging time in his co-parenting journey, and how Father's Day has evolved over his 7 years as a co-parent.  Interspersed are a couple sweet, wise, and humorous anecdotes from his daughter Vincenza (10) and his son Vance (9).

Happy Father's Day to Michael and all of the dedicated co-parenting dads out there!

Have you always known you wanted to be a Father?

MICHAEL: I always knew that one day it was something I would do.  I don't think I had a clear picture of when it would happen or what exactly it would look like, I just always knew that having kids and being a dad was important to me.

How is being a dad different or similar to what you imagined?

In all honesty, I was worried that I might not be totally prepared to be a dad. I had an atypical and challenging upbringing. My own father was a really brave, noble guy who did the best he could to raise me, but there wasn't a lot of emotional warmth. My goal, even though it was never modeled for me, is to be really affectionate with my kids. I tell them I love them multiple times a day.    

The greatest surprise for me was that being a parent is really fun.  It’s hard work, but it’s also so great telling bedtime stories, playing with my kids, watching them grow and mature.  I don't think I had any idea how enjoyable and fulfilling fatherhood would be.

"My dad is a giving person. He’s a really funny person. And he’s the type of person that you like to be around. My very favorite thing is that he always makes time to be with us, not like most other dads."  - Vicenza

What does Father's Day mean to you?

For me, it’s about two different things: my own father and my kids. My dad passed away in 2010, right in the middle of my own separation. He was a decorated Army Ranger. I've always admired his courage and raw toughness. The lessons he taught me inspire me to be brave and strong, to know that even when things are tough, I live a wonderful life. As a father myself, I think how I want my own kids to never doubt that they are my top priority. I strive everyday to be a real presence in their lives, to be both emotionally connected and physically present for my kids. We also try to make meaningful memories together whether that be going camping, as my son's boy scout master, or teaching my daughter to ride a bike.

How is Father's Day different since your separation?

I separated when my kids were 2 and 3, so there aren’t other Father’s Days to really compare it to. In a nice way, we’ve been able to start from scratch and make this day ours. And it’s so rewarding to see them take initiative each year.

What are your favorite Father's Day traditions?

I love how my kids go out of their way to think of me. They’ll always get me a card on their own and then plan a creative, family event. Last year we did Color Me Mine together. I didn’t have any Father's Day traditions growing up, so it’s sweet to see my kids honor this day.

"My favorite thing about Father’s Day is that I have a tradition with my dad. I always get him something that stands for how great he is.  And I write on his cards about how much I love him and how much he means to me. I love watching him read my cards." - Vicenza

How has your time with your children changed as they've gotten older?

We still have a 50/50 custody share, so we spend the same amount of time together but the activities have changed a lot. When the kids were toddlers we spent a lot of time down on the ground playing. As they get older we continue to play but now we go swimming or ride bikes. I try to make certain they don’t grow up too fast, so we do still play goofy games and rough house—I think the kids don't want to give up that kind of play yet either. I know a time is coming when my kids will be more independent and will want spend more time with their friends. In the meantime, I just want to keep making the most of this period when the three of us really enjoy being together.  

What do you worry about most for your children as a separated father?

When I was separating I didn’t know what the future held—there were so many unknowns. All at once my dad got cancer and passed away, the recession hit, and my home life was changing dramatically. I worried about two things mainly.  First, I worried about the kids with all the transition they were going through. There was so much in the air, so much constant navigating for all of us between our initial separation and working out the optimal custody arrangement. I also just missed them so much as we first started spending time apart. Second, I was really worried that with all that stress that I wasn't being the best version of myself for my kids. 

What are routines, sayings, or expressions that you always share with you children?

I say I love you multiple times a day, everyday. I never want them to doubt that.

We also have a fun and kind of quirky morning routine. A few years ago I was given a really beautiful poker set as a gift from a former mentor. The kids were infatuated and insisted that I teach them how to play. So if we're having a good morning (where everyone has eaten, brushed their teeth, gotten ready for school and we still have some spare time) we will sit down and play Texas Hold 'Em together.  It's not what I thought we'd do, but the kids love it and it's such a fun and relaxing start to the day. Plus, it's our own unique thing and that's really special.

"My favorite thing about my dad?  I like how my he's always nice to me. I like how he always looks out for me and how he understand my feelings." - Vance

What is your top priority for the days you have your children?

My goals are for them to have experiences, to be active, to get outside a lot, and to enjoy time together.  

What advice do you wish someone had given you right when you separated?

In hindsight, it would actually have been some version of the advice that Dr. Sadeghi gives: don’t spend time being angry, don’t waste energy feeling sorry for yourself. You’ve gone through something really tough, but you cannot let it destroy you. Focus instead on healing, on self-reflection, on the people you love and people who love you. Make a conscious effort to not dwell in the anger and sadness of the loss but to say "This is completed, this is done.  So what now am I going to focus on in this next phase in my life?" What ultimately healed me was refocusing my attention is what matters most: my kids, my personal growth, and our shared well-being.  

What is the best thing your kids have said to you since your separation?

The sweetest thing actually just happened the other day. My daughter said sort of out of the blue, "No matter what, you are the best daddy I could ever want."  It doesn't get better than that.

What Your Divorcing Friends Actually Want You To Do

"I'm here for you. Let me know if there is anything I can do."

As a friend, it can be devastating to see someone dear to us go through the challenges and upheaval of separation -- particularly when kids are involved.  We want nothing more that to help that person out, to make life just a tiny bit easier for them.  

And so we offer up the generous and honest question: "Is there anything I can do?"

While we mean that we would be willing to do anything to help, by making such a generalized offer, we're placing the burden back on the person who is needing our help.  We're leaving it up to them to think of something and then to ask for help -- both of which are difficult to do while they're grieving the break-up of their family.

Don't offer up anything; do something.

If you have a friend who is separating or going through a divorce, rather than offering up that general "let me know how I can help!" just jump in and do something.  Not sure what exactly to do?  No worries, we've got you covered below.

3 Things You Can Do For Your Separated Friends, Today and Everyday: 

1. Keep Communicating.  

One of the biggest challenges of divorce is the breakdown of your extended support network. According to Psychology Today researcher Sam Marguilles, PhD, "Divorcing people often feel isolated because some friends are so uncomfortable that they distance themselves. Divorcing people need reassurance you will not abandon them."

Know this: you don't have to be perfect, you don't have to know exactly what to say.  Your friend does not need you to "make it all better," nor do they need advice or opinions.  What they need is someone who they can rely on, who will ask thoughtful, non-judgmental questions and listen actively to the answers, whatever they are.  Take your friend's lead -- if they don't want to talk about the divorce today, then let it go.  But that doesn't mean they won't want to talk about a different topic or to talk about the separation next week or next month.  Feeling stumped on how to start?  Try out Sheryl Sandberg's suggestion and ask the open-ended question "How are you today?"  

2. Help Out.  

One of the biggest challenges for all separated parents, regardless of how long they've been co-parenting for, is the fact that they don't have another person to split up parenting duties with on their custody days.  Your job as a friend is not to take the place of their partner, but there are a number of small things you can do to help your friend out with the day-to-day logistics of parenting solo.  

If your kids go to the same school, you can offer to pick your friend's kids on the days they have to work late.  You could invite the kids to sleep over when your friend has a big work deadline or needs to travel.  You could show up with boxes and newspapers when your friend is packing for a move.  You could bring over meals when your friend or their kids are sick.  It doesn't need to be a grand gesture, in fact, sometimes it's the simple things that mean the most.

3. Show Up.

Sometimes the very best thing you can do for your friend is to simply show up.  It doesn't always have to be about talking or doing, sometimes the comfort and ease of someone else's reliable presence is more than enough.  There will be a number of markers and milestones for your friend and their kids that call attention to the differences between their past and current lives.  Some of those milestones are to be celebrated, some to be grieved, some to just hold your breath until they're over.  

Throughout all of these moments -- the first birthday after separation; Father's Day, Mother's Day or weekend without the kids; the first parent-teacher conference attended solo, and so on -- just continue to show up.  Let your friend know that regardless of all the changes in their life, your friendship is stable and your presence can be relied on.  

Summer Break After Divorce: 7 Ways to Help Your Kids Have the Best Summer Yet

Those long, warm days of summer are just around the corner.

Summer is thought of as a magical time for kids.  It's a chance for them to shake up their routines, get outside, get dirty, learn something new and, most importantly, to have fun.  

However, for kids of separated parents -- especially those who are already struggling with the transition to two homes, a new school, a new stepparent or stepsibling -- the switch to summer mode can feel like yet another form instability in their lives.

The good news?  There are several steps that you can take on as co-parents to help your kids transition smoothly and joyfully into summer.  After all, just because you are co-parenting does not mean you child can't have an exciting, carefree summer of their own!

7 Things to do right now to get your family ready for summer break.

1. Wrap up the school year well.

The final days and weeks of school are often filled with special events and varying schedules depending on your children's ages.  Make sure you and your co-parent are on the same page about important events (graduations, honors nights, assemblies), schedule changes (half days, finals) and tasks which need to be completed (help clear out your child's cubby or locker, thank you notes for teachers) before summer begins.  A smooth end of the school year sets the stage for gentle passage into summer.

2. Confirm the details of your summer child care plans.  

With the kids out of school, as co-parents you are now jointly responsible for an additional 40+ hours of child care each week.  Make certain you're in agreement about who will be care-taking during this extra time-- e.g.: a parent, nanny, daycare, camp, or combination of several -- as well as the cost and new schedule/routine required.  This is the largest of all transitions to summer.  Having both parents on the same page will help your child feel settled even amongst the change.

3. Map out summer activities.  

Will your kids be participating in camps, teams, or lessons this summer?  Take the time to jointly review the schedule, sign-up costs, pick-up and drop-off plans, and incidental expenses for each (Does Sally need a new baseball mitt and cleats for sports camp?  Do books need to purchased for Johnny's art class?  Should Micah rent a tuba for his lessons this summer?).  By agreeing to scheduling and costs up front, you'll be able to avoid a host of potential disagreements over the next several months.

4. Make a plan for the holidays.  

There are a number of holidays between the school year's end and start: Memorial Day, Father's Day, 4th of July, Labor Day.  Determine how the kids are going to spend these holidays, who will have custody, and if that will alter your typical custody calendar.  Perhaps, if your communication is particularly strong, you could even plan a tradition or event that everyone can be present for.

5. Schedule vacations. 

The flexibility of the summer schedule often allows for one or both co-parents to take the kids for an extended trip or vacation.  Make your co-parent knows and agrees to: the dates, costs, location and types of activities the kids will be doing while there.  This type of communication promotes mutual respect and trust (and is often legally mandated, particularly if you are altering your typical custody schedule).  While you're on vacation, you can use the Fayr app's geo-tagging capabilities to confirm your location with your co-parent.

6. Allow for down time.  

All the above being said, please don't forget to set aside chunks of unscheduled time for the kids when they are at both houses. Down time is not the enemy of brain development or well-being -- quite the opposite is true.  Idleness, leisure, and boredom are good for kids.  Creating open space for "kids to be kids" prevents over-scheduling and it gives co-parents a brief reprieve from shuttling kids to and fro.

7. Share the plan with the kids.

In advance of summer break, set a time to go over the kids' new schedules and activities for the summer.  This overview not only helps kids prepare mentally for the transition to summer, it gives them space to ask questions about the changes and to express any worries or anxieties they might be experiencing.  In an ideal world, all parents and kids would be present at this meeting to ensure that the whole family is on the same page.  If this is not an option for you and your co-parent, ensure that you've agreed to the 6 points above before each parent reviews the summer schedule with the kids at their respective homes.  

Constructive Conversations: How to De-Escalate High-Conflict Exchanges With Your Co-Parent

Constructive Conversations: How to De-Escalate High-Conflict Exchanges With Your Co-Parent

At Fayr, our goal is to facilitate a kind, fair relationship between co-parents for the good of the children.  

We also know that maintaining a conflict-free relationship is not always simple or easy.

Sometimes, divorce or separation is precipitated by a high level of conflict that carries over into the initial separation period.  Other times, the actual separation might be relatively conflict-free, only for disagreements to arise during a different, challenging period of co-parenting.  This makes sense -- the task of constantly communicating and interacting with an ex over the course of years (possibly decades of your kids' childhoods) is daunting for even the most even-tempered and zen among us.  

Unfortunately, in the field of developmental psychology "there is no debate that continued, ongoing, unresolved high conflict is harmful to children of divorce." (1)  

Which means that periods of high conflict are not just inconvenient, they're urgent to resolve.  

If you identify as being in or can recall a time of high conflict, the following questions might feel familiar:

 
  • How do I continue to communicate with my co-parent when they the exact person I'd most like to not deal with?  
  • How do I continue to look out for my children and their well-being when I feel personally attacked?  
  • How do I ensure that a necessary conversation can stay positive and productive when it seems like we don't see eye-to-eye on anything? 
 

To answer these questions, we enlisted the help of Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Robin Maddox to give us tips for how to turn a high-conflict situation into a constructive conversation.

7 Tools for Constructive Co-parenting Conversations:

  1. Request a conversation.  If you know the topic is tricky or has been a source of high conflict in the past, it's good to allow yourself and your co-parent time and space to prepare to enter the conversation calmly and removed from unrelated external stressors. Try messaging: "I want to talk about {Johnny's summer vacation schedule}. Is now a good time to talk?" Your co-parent might be available at that time, but they can suggest another time in the next 24 hours to talk.

  2. Stay on track. The quickest way to escalate an already tense conversation is to bring in other areas of conflict.  Honor the requested topic and speak directly to the conversation at hand only.  If other topics arise, note them and request to tackle those areas later, in a separate conversation.  

  3. Don't respond with your own aggressiveness.  Arguments escalate most rapidly when both parties feel attacked or go on the attack.  Do your best (within reason and appropriate boundaries) to ignore your co-parent's aggressiveness and answer calmly rather that responding with your own anger.  

  4. Name your experience.  This might seem counterintuitive, but naming your experience can help you gain objectivity and increase empathy in your co-parent.  It can be as simple and straightforward as this: "I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed and reactive right now. This is a really hard topic for me."  

  5. Count to three before you respond.  A classic and universally applicable technique, taking even a few moments to breath and process before responding to your co-parent helps decrease your own reactivity and pauses the escalating pace of an argument. 

  6. Take a time out.  If a conversation feels too escalated, call a time out. Tell your co-parent in an even tone (e.g.:: no slamming down the phone or storming off if you're in person) that you need a break, but confirm that within the next 24 hours that you'll return to the conversation. 

  7. Get a third party involved.  If you are struggling to make progress and feel instead that each conversation is only adding fuel to the fire, it's wise to involve an objective third party such as a family psychologist or legal counsel.  If you've been using the Fayr app, you'll have a clear, inalterable record of your message exchanges which you can print out as a PDF report to share with your counselor.

 

1. E. Kruk, Ph.D., "Co-Parenting and High Conflict," Psychology Today (2012).

You Need a Rock-Solid Shared Calendar. Here's Why.

You Need a Rock-Solid Shared Calendar. Here's Why.

We all know that divorce, with its chronic conflict and disruption of established family life, exposes children to a number of risk factors for behavioral and psychological problems.  In total, 20-25% of children from divorced families express lasting problems into adulthood (1).  

A less quoted statistic, however, is that nearly 42% of young adults from divorced families received higher well-being scores as compared to young adults from non-divorced families (1).

With two such disparate outcomes from children in similar situations, it begs the question: what can we do to both prevent problems and ensure high levels of well-being in our children?

What can we do to ensure high levels of well-being in our children?

Resiliency appears to be the answer.  

Although resilience proves difficult to define, it generally refers to “patterns of positive adaptation during or following significant adversity or risk” that allow individuals to “bounce back” to their previous level of well-being or even to attain a higher level of functioning (2), aka: how kids can thrive after divorce. 

Social scientists used to believed that individuals have a finite amount of innate resiliency, but now it's believed to a skill to strengthen rather than predetermined trait. As Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg and psychologist Adam Grant state in their new book Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy“Resilience is the strength and speed of our response to adversity, and we can build it. It isn’t about having a backbone. It’s about strengthening the muscles around our backbone.” 

So, as co-parents, how do we help our children become more resilient?  

Resiliency grows when children are exposed to adversity inside of safe boundary.

Divorce will naturally provide children with plenty of opportunities to develop their resiliency. Too much adversity leads to chronic stress, overwhelm and psychological struggles, causing resiliency to wither. 

What we can do to help them as parents is to give kids a safe, defined and supported container in which to deal with adversity and grow their resiliency.  Among the most important factors in creating this safe space for resiliency to thrive is by effectively sharing, managing and creating boundaries around time.

Below are 3 tools for managing your children's time that will help them thrive after divorce:

  • Share time between co-parents. Custody agreements vary as is appropriate for each family, but it has been found that children benefit from clearly allotted, regular time with both parents.  Studies have found that boys especially do better in school and exhibit less externalizing and internalizing problems when they have contact with their noncustodial fathers (3).  
  • Create clear boundaries around time.  Environments characterized by "defined schedules, rules, and regulations" have been associated with enhanced social and cognitive development in kids from divorced families (3).  In other words, having set times for bed, for play and for homework help kids feel secure and therefore thrive.
  • Manage time in a child-friendly way.  Arianna Jeret, a divorce mediator and coach in Redondo Beach, California (4) suggests keeping a calendar with mom's days in one color and dad's days (color-coded shared calendars is one of our favorite capabilities of the Fayr app). Clear communication between co-parents keep everyone aware of the each child's schedule, and promotes feelings of predictability and safety in which resiliency thrives. 

 

  1. J. B. Kelly, R. E. Emery, Family Relations 52, 352 (2003).
  2. S.M. Hopf, Risk and Resilience in Children Coping with Parental Divorce, Dartmouth Undergraduate Journal of Science (2010).
  3. E. M. Hetherington, A. M. Elmore, in Resilience and vulnerability: Adaptation in the context of childhood adversities., S. S. Luthar, Ed. (Cambridge University Press, New York, NY, US, 2003), pp. 182-212.
  4. J. Moninger, Making a Child Comfortable in Two Homes, Parents.com (2013).